


operation: matchmaker

by grancenturio



Category: The Caligula Effect (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, M/M, i'm only tagging the major players but most charas will show up for a chapter or two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 11:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15071783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grancenturio/pseuds/grancenturio
Summary: Worried that IkeP's crush on one Minezawa Izuru will compromise his ability to fight, Thorn sets the Musicians to the task of dealing with said crush — by setting the two of them up, of course.





	operation: matchmaker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **[4:07 PM] ritsu: deputy prime minister:** kira? not writing kenritsu?  
>  **[4:07 PM] ritsu: deputy prime minister:** it's more likely than you think

Mobius, to SweetP, was as close to heaven as she would ever get.

An endless supply of sugary pastel sweets, all laid out on the table for her to sample. Dainty, delicate cutlery that fit perfectly into her cute little hands. All accompanied by a soundtrack of light, airy music, of course composed by her to evoke the image of a wonderfully dreamy-cute tea time.

Except the entire scene was, at that moment, utterly ruined, thanks to _someone_ having flopped his face across the table and started making loud groaning noises.

“Oh, shut _up_ ,” SweetP groused as she bit rather harder than necessary down on a forkful of lemon cake. “Go whine about your stupid crush to someone who actually cares.”

“ _Urggggghhh,_ ” IkeP groaned eloquently in reply. If she had to guess, he was probably trying to say _I don't have a crush._

“Oh? Is something the matter?” Thorn, from her corner of the lounge, looked up from her book.

“ _Blerggghhhhh,_ ” was IkeP’s answer.

“What he means is, he's crushing hard on one Minezawa Izuru but he's too shy to do anything about it,” SweetP translated— well, _chose to re-interpret_ around a mouthful of macarons.

That finally got IkeP to raise his face off the table. “I am _not_ …! It's just, his _face._ ” He made a wild flailing gesture, completely failing to illustrate his point. “His, his stupid… _pretty_ face! It's just so— you know, like he's asking to be beaten up, or… _hrghh._ ”

SweetP took another bite of strawberry tart, and calmly watched IkeP do his best to merge his face with the table.

“Hm,” Thorn said thoughtfully. “While I would not ordinarily interfere in your personal affairs, this Minezawa is one of the rogues, is he not? Perhaps…”

“Eh, who cares?” That was Wicked, who was as usual draped haphazardly over a tattered armchair and playing with a bomb as she spoke. “We’re gonna blow those damn rogues up all the same anyway. So long as IkeP doesn't betray us or anything, what does it matter?”

“That's exactly what I'm afraid of, Wicked,” Thorn replied. “We've already lost one Musician. It would hardly do for us to lose IkeP as well now.”

“Then can't we just bring Minezawa over to this side?” Kuchinashi piped up. “He doesn't seem like a bad guy. At worst, if he gets together with IkeP it shouldn't be too hard to re-brainwash him.”

“Oh! An operation to bring together two lovebirds? I'll do it!” Stork's enthusiastic offer was met by a resounding silence.

“...Ahem. Anyway, as Kuchinashi was saying,” Thorn picked up smoothly, “that's not a bad idea. This Minezawa would likely make a fine Musician, were he willing. Does anyone object to bringing him into our ranks?”

 _“Ggghhhhrrrrkkkkkkk,”_ IkeP offered helpfully. That, SweetP noted but didn't say, likely meant, _Hell no, I hate him_.

“Very well!” Thorn clapped her hands together with a pleased smile. “It's agreed, then. Since we have nothing urgent lined up, I'm making that our top priority for now — getting IkeP and Minezawa Izuru together. μ, could you relay this conversation to the absent Musicians?”

“I'm on it!” μ, cheerful as always, had already pulled up several holographic screens and started sending text flying across them. “I’ll help coordinate everyone's efforts for this operation! If you need any support, just ask me!”

“You heard her. IkeP, you're to report back on the status of your relationship with Minezawa after each attempt. Everyone else, I'd suggest moving in groups for this.”

“ _Mmmmgggnnhhhhh.”_

SweetP delicately crammed the last bite of her caramel brownie into her mouth, and out of the corner of her eye, watched Lucid shake their head and slowly sink their face (skull?) into their hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you know, this fic was inspired solely by [that one bkub izuru sticker](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/450553502909857805/461513118745362433/116681792x.png). i'm not kidding, i saw the sticker and immediately this fic idea appeared and i immediately had to write it.
> 
> update schedule will be infrequent because i'm making this entire thing up as i go along.


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